Debby Does Damage
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How has CNN or Foxnews et al not used this headline yet for the Tropical storm brewing? For those of you who aren’t familiar w/Debbie (the “ie” is the slutty spelling) she starred in a film in the 70′s Debbie Does Dallas. You should google that now and read up on it. It’s a compelling romp about a Cheerleader who gets a tryout for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and needs to raise funds to get there. That’s all I can say without a Spoiler alert. Think of that the next time you hear anyone on the News talk about Debby blowing or taking things down or bushes, I ran out of good ones. Anyhow, it’s hilarious to those of us with a juvenile mind.
“The Glades” The most recent TV Show to use my theory
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Last night I sat down to watch the season premiere of “The Glades” on USA. It’s a good detective show that is also funny with some pithy dialogue. I like it so you should watch it. Anyhow, this episode was about Alien abductions and the existence of alien life forms
(by the by, the TV show “Alf” that was on in the 80’s, they named the alien Alf because he was an “Alien Life Form”. He introduced himself to the Family as Gordon Shumway, because he spoke English and that was his name. But, the Dad – Willy decided, fuck you Gordo, we’re calling you Alf. What a dick Willy was (HAH!))
Right, Aliens. In the episode the medical examiner is not convinced aliens exist while an intern states “With the existence of Billions of stars and each star is the center of a galaxy it would be statistically impossible for another planet to NOT have alien life” This has been my theory for well over a decade! I have made many proclamations that have been pilfered and repeated by more famous people. I’ve heard comedians use my jokes, TV shows and movies have used ideas I came up with in College and lots of podcasts have spouted off things I’ve said first. I’m not sure how to take this. Either someone is actually listening to me, or, other people use their brains too. Both ideas seem ludicrous to me.
Thanks for reading and post your comments below. If you have articles or ramblings you would like to post on this here website email me at Jerry@iamafatload.com
Tags: Aliens, The Glades
Episode #18: Philosophical waxing on being a big fat lying liar, subtleties of making jokes and Michelle Duggar’s hooha
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Jerry & Epiphany Jon wax philosophical on being a big fat lying liar, the subtleties of making jokes and Michelle Duggar and her disgusting baby-factory hooha. Also, we break down the lyrics on some beloved songs and let you know that the love song you love is no love song at all. It’s so much fun you’ll feel like you owe us money.
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Movie Review for a Movie that came out 2 Months ago – Episode 2
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“John Carter”: The World’s Most Expensive Cult Movie – By Allan Ross
So I saw “John Carter” opening night, IMAX, 3D, and I loved every eye-popping second of it. Great action, engaging story, attractive leads who can act their way out of a paper bag—basically everything a space opera should be.
Of course, the big story about this movie is how Disney’s marketing department screwed the pooch (admission: I love the movie and I STILL can’t make heads or tails of the moody trailers and ugly posters). It is absolutely true that they mismanaged selling this to the public and unwisely gave a first-time live-action director carte blanche on a risky venture, allowing the budget ballooned to over $250 million. That’s right–a quarter of a BILLION dollars. Seriously?! I can’t tell the difference between a $100 million movie and a $200 million one–can you?
And now both sides are slinging shit: the naysayers who point to the derivative nature (“It’s a knockoff of “Avatar!”), and the lovers (like me) who think it’s the great American sci-fi spectacle.Haters will hate—it’s human nature. And it’s OK if you saw it, genuinely didn’t like it and can give well-argued reasons why—that’s the nature of subjective art, such as film. But it’s the passionate fans of “JohnCarter” who are actually annoying the shit out of me. They heap praise, bash haters, and vocally demand a sequel. This, however, is where I choose to splinter away from these folks.
Art, especially challenging art, is supposed be polarizing. Example: I hated “Hugo,” most everyone else loved it—I get it. I wrote about why I hated it, and those who humored me by allowing me to rage on were treated to full-on vivisection of a “harmless kids movie.” Yeah, I felt like a bully telling people why they should hate it so I eventually dialed it back a little. But you know what? I really, really hate being bullied by fans of shitty filmmakers (cough cough, Michael Bay) who shower money at mindless insults to their own intelligences, and apologize for their inanity (“It’s not supposed to be ‘Casablanca’–it’s giant robots fighting each other.’”). I argue that you can have intelligent, fantastical action movies, and “John Carter” is your proof.
Why do I call it bullying? Because it’s easier than calling it what it really is: “pop culture colonialism.” Example: I have no choice but to know everything about the “Transformers” and “Twilight” and “Final Destination” movies (and “Jersey Shore,” and “The Bachelor” and “American Idol,” for that matter) simply by being someone who reads Entertainment Weekly and visits entertainment blogs like Cinemablend.com. It’s not fair that I should know that much about stuff. Those movies are diluting art and asking us to demand less from our entertainment, paving the way for could-have-been-awesome movies like “Hugo” which wind up being (personally, artistically and critically speaking) steaming pieces of shit. But that doesn’t necessarily make the opposite true.
The vocal minority “John Carter” fans are missing the point, which is simply this: a major motion picture studio made “John Carter” for us. Read that again…THEY MADE THIS MOVIE FOR US!—people who enjoy eye candy but insist it have both heart and brains. It’s as close a perfect movie as you can get: an intelligent, boldly original epic loaded with imagination and utilizing cutting-edge technology to bring modern literature’s seminal sci-fi story to life. It was everything the “Star Wars” prequels, “Transformers” movies and “Avatar”(which, it should be loudly noted, borrowed liberally from the “John Carter”books) could have been but were not. This is “our” movie…there’s no sense in trying to make everyone else see how awesome it is.
Think about it this way: if “Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl” had bombed, there would be no shitty sequels to retroactively detract from the original…and we wouldn’t have three Jack Sparrows at every Halloween party. The film would still be awesome and you wouldn’t have to apologize to yourself for liking it. Cut to “John Carter”: Taylor Kitsch’s squinty-eyed, He-Man-physiqued, escape artist-cum-superhero was a fantastic match of actor to character, much as Johnny Depp was to Sparrow. The script is a lean, linear story propelled by the protagonist’s desire to just…go….home. The 3D didn’t feel gimicky; it helped you feel as though you were inhabiting the same space as Carter on an alien world, forging an empathetic bond with him, which culminated in a scene when Carter vanquishes one of his foes, holds his sword high and gives his victory speech. In that moment, opening night on the IMAX screen, I would have followed John Carter to the gates of Zodanga myself.
Now, I am going to regret not seeing the sequels as much as anyone, but these petitions and Facebook groups letting Disney know that we love it and are clamoring for more is just a waste of time and resources. At least there will be nothing to take away from this film: no shitty merch, no pop culture overload, no inferior sequels dominated by the studio to introduce as many characters and set pieces as possible. This is something we can quote to each other for years to come—a test, if you will, to see if the person you’re talking to really “gets”a good movie. So hold off joining that “We Want a John Carter Sequel” march. Grassroots fan campaigns have proved to fail fail fail. (Anyone remember the “Jericho,” “Firefly” or “Snakes on a Plane” catastrophes? They were all the products of rabid online fanbases that produced a lot of viral attention, but refused to show themselves either in ratings or box office dollars.)
No, instead we have now have a movie like “The Princess Bride,” “Starship Troopers,” “The Big Lebowski,” “Army of Darkness,” and “UHF” to be able to distinguish cool people from the almost-cool. We have “John Carter,” the most expensive cult movie ever.
Michelle Duggar is Dumber than a Box of Hair
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Go to this Link and watch the video, then come back and read this please. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/29/duggars-overpopulation_n_1387640.html
Michelle you ignorant, baby-factory, 80’s haired moron. You can fit all of the world’s population in Jacksonville Florida? Big Fucking deal! You can also put 20 clowns in a VW Bug but I doubt they could live there. “The idea of overpopulation is not accurate,” based on what? Let me ask you something AquaNet, Do you know how much land it takes to feed a single person for a year? Even the most conservative estimates say it takes at least, AT LEAST, one acre per PERSON! And that’s only enough for you to sustain life on a staple like soy beans or potatoes. If you want meat then there’s another 5.
I realize with 19 (just typing that boils up my blood) “precious miracles” you don’t get out much. However, maybe while your oldest kids are out running around chaperoning your teenagers sock hops, maybe pick up a news paper (if she believes any of this shit then I doubt she knows the internet exists). Perhaps then you would see there is an almost constant shortage of grain in half the countries around the world. Not so much a problem here in the states, but the poorer the country, the more likely they are starving. But by all means, have more kids because “The world needs more joy”! Yes, I imagine these women being raped in Africa, giving birth to babies with AIDS are feeling full of joy and merriment knowing their child will die before age 2. Or, how about the streets of India, where children are sent out into the streets to beg for rupies. They must be overjoyed at the fact they cannot feed themselves, but HURRAY another GD baby!
So, Michelle Duggar. For the sake of humanity, close you god-damned legs, shut your ignorant, vapid, word hole and stop acting like having a kid makes you some sort of expert on ANYTHING!
Please, feel free to drop a comment below or hit me up via email. I welcome all comments even if you disagree. Peace out.
Tags: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/29/duggars-overpopulation_n_1387640.html
Episode #17: A bunch of guys talking smack about stuff and things
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A bunch of guys talking smack about stuff and things. Allan, Kevin and Adam discuss the important issues such as: What is 1 thing you would do if you knew you only had a year to live. Do women want to see photos of your junk? What makes a millionaire feel “disrespected like a broke person”? And, isn’t everyone bullied at least a little bit? Hard hitting stuff I say. And, TONS of cursing this episode. Thanks for listening and don’t forget to leave comments.
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Episode #16: The Lansing Derby Vixens
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At long last, Jerry sits down with members of the Lansing Derby Vixens roller derby team. Coach PBR & Annie Oxidant from the Lansing Derby Vixens Capital Corruption and Mullicious Intent from the Derby Vixens sit down with Jerry to discuss the finer points of Roller Derby. Including Roller Derby rules, schedules, teams, names and sweet ways to trick out your uniform. As per usual Jerry veers wildly off course to talk about getting hit by a car, what his Derby Vixen name would be and why Vixen is the greatest female hair band on the planet. AND as a first, this is an entirely PG podcast. So listen with your kids and family.
The Lansing Derby Vixens and Lansing Derby Vixens Capital Corruption start off the 2012 season on March 10 at the Lansing Center in downtown Lansing. Get your tickets at www.LansingDerbyVixens.com
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Movie reivew for a movie that’s been out for 2 months.
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I didn’t like “Hugo” at all. Now, I’ve been disappointed by movies I was looking forward to (“Jurassic Park: The Lost World”, “Extract”), I’ve been disappointed by movies I had no expectations of (“The Town,” “Fanboys”), and I’ve been disappointed by movies I was actively planning to hate (both Michael Bay “Transformers” movies, um, well, anything Michael Bay-related), but it’s been a while since I’ve been so incensed by a movie that I felt the need to write about it. Not just write about, but spend time analyzing why I could hate a movie so much.
I love Martin Scorsese and I hear the book that “Hugo” is based on (“The Invention of Hugo Cabret”) is dynamite, so I’ll start my attack on the writer, John Logan. The only movie on his filmography that I didn’t out-and-out hate was “Rango,” which worked in spite of the script, not because of it. Well, that’s unfair. I also didn’t hate “The Aviator” or “Sweeny Todd,” but both of them were triumphs of either acting (the former) or the source material (the latter). The king daddy of Logan’s offenses is “Any Given Sunday,” which stands out as one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I remember sitting in the theatre and actually wanting to lift up the arm rest on the seat next to me, lie down and fall asleep. I remember specifically thinking, “Dear God, are they really going to take us through each game of the post-season without so much as a montage of multiple games? Can’t we just skip to the end?”
But at least “Any Given Sunday” had the benefit of being episodic. “Hugo” was bad and it rambled—I had no idea what was going to happen next and I could have cared less. Logic was nowhere to be found, and don’t you DARE say, “It’s a kids movie and kids movies don’t need logic.” Fuck you if you say that. EVERY movie needs logic, even if it’s an internal logic. You need rules if you are going to ask your audience to suspend their disbelief.
I am by no means a nitpicky audience. Actually, let me rephrase that. I am a nitpicky audience but I usually don’t hold it against the filmmaker. But “Hugo” was riddled with so many logical mistakes, inconsistencies, novice storytelling gimmicks (the creation of false tension in this movie was of particular frustration) that I have no choice but now have to also include Scorsese in my wrath. I had been giving this guy a wiiiiiide berth because of his genius up through “Goodfellas,” but now I’m going to have to release the pass I had given him on “The Aviator” and “Gangs of New York,” which were a triumph of acting and nothing more.
Ah, Marty. We’ll always have “The Departed.”
(sidebar)
John Logan movies I Hated:
Any Given Sunday
Gladiator
The Last Samurai
Star Trek: Nemesis
Wouldn’t Waste My Time:
Bats
Tornado!
Sinbad: The Legend of the Seven Seas
Movies Written By Logan I Was Looking Forward to But Am Now Terrified About:
Skyfall
Lincoln
Coriolanus
Tags: by Allan Ross
Thanks Adam Carolla Fans
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As I said in podcast #2 or maybe #3, when someone tells me I suck, I know I have started to turn the corner on the popularity of the podcast. I received an email today from a dude named Fred who took the time to contact me and say, and I quote “Fat loads, I like to dump fat loads on your shitty podcast.”! HUZZAH! That’s even worse than telling me I suck.
A lot of people may have hurt feelings but I take it as an aknowledgement of success. My podcast and hard work have finally garnered a Non-fan. At the beginning, I knew the only people listening were friends of mine who felt obligated. Why would they write anything bad? When someone writes you and tells you he’d like to deficate on you, that my friends, is when you know you’ve made it.
If you came by my site via the Adam Carolla site, I want to say thanks for doing the minimum of effort by clicking on a link. If you actually take a listen to the podcast I think you’ll enjoy it. Like it or not, I’d appreciate it if you left some feedback via email or in the comments below. I will post them all, good or bad.
Peace out Homies
Tags: www.AdamCarolla.com
This Holiday Season
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I’d like to throw out a giant Thank You to all the people who don’t celebrate Christmas and keep their mouths shut about it. To all of you who have no interest in this Christian/Pagan holiday and don’t piss and moan about “not being represented” I salute you. You have not been swayed by the loud mouth assholes who cry that everyone need to recognize them and whatever they think at that moment.
To all my non-Christian friends that don’t raise a stink every time a tree is raised or a Santa Claus waves, I owe you a drink.
To the whiney Bitches who feel under-represented, shut your Cry-Hole. As an outspoken 2 kid maximum per couple, you don’t see me marching up to City Hall with my boxers in a bunch everytime someone pops out a 4th kid crying about “Nobody is representing me and my less than .01% of population that agrees with me”.
So in the spirit of the season, Please keep your sass-holes shut and just enjoy the sales. Everyone likes a good deal.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!
